How To Properly Dispose Of Edward Cullen

First, he needs to be present at Bella and Jacob's wedding. After he has had his share of tears, say you have a gift for him. Take him into an empty room and give him the gift. When he opens it, he shall see something terrible. Something vomit inducing. Something vile. A plush pink teddy bear he can hold onto during the ritual of death we shall bestow upon him. Next, point to the sky and say "Look! A bird!" While he is trying to find the graceful creature, pull out a wax replica of Bellas bloody, mangled head. He shall tremble in fear of the death of his beloved. He shall ask "WHERE IS HER BODY!!!!!" and you shall say "Over yonder in that house on the field."

That is when you take him to the old abandoned house. Tell him the body is in the bath tub. When he leans over to search, push him into the asbestos filled tub. Pull out the rather large....no, rather mammoth like in size butcher knife that you conviently carry around in your pocket that you got from Butch The Butcher down the street to sharpen your oversized pencil. When he stands up, his head will be sliced off by the "accidental" placement of the knife. Stuff him in a bag and exit the house. Walk down the path leading from the house where some Native Americans are having a Pow-Wow. Tell them that there is food in the bag and ask if you can roast it up for their supper. Open up the bag, toss him into the fire, and run.